This is dedicated to a friend who passed away recently, quite suddenly in a tragic accident… CW⚠️ emotional, death.

I feel… nothing. No hurt. No anger. No joy. No sad.
No disgust, no shame, no resentment.
No regrets, no longing, no memories. 
Just nothing. 

He is a blip, here yesterday, gone today, 
Forgotten tomorrow. 
I feel… vacant. Like a weight has moved, shifted, so that I feel heavy chested and light headed. 

He is a friend, was a friend, was someone I knew. 

Now he’s just a piece of memory remembered only when called upon. 

I feel depressed, thinking of what might happen to me. Will people feel nothing too when I pass? 

No tears fall. No heartfelt sobs. Just a touch of pain. There it is.. loss. I feel a sense of loss, but for what. 

For the life that ended abruptly? For the friendship that sort of was but wasn’t. 

This feeling I feel is real, but I shouldn’t feel it. 

I have no right to grieve over someone I barely knew. Someone who meant little to me. 

But still I feel it. The sense of loss.

Like a small piece of me was ripped out and taken away…the piece that he once touched. I realise. The piece that we shared as two humans who connected. 

Though our time was brief, there was a piece of each other that we exchanged. And now  his piece has been torn back, and left me empty and void and vacant.  

The piece is small, and the pain is less, but still present. It still exists. And he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t exist anymore, I realize. And the pain in my chest lifts to my throat and I choke back a sob I didn’t know I had. 

It reaches my head and it starts to ache. 

As the memories swirl and come crashing back, the lump forming in my throat gets bigger, getting harder to swallow. 

My eyes close as I try to sort the memories. Try and push the headache back. Try and make the lump go away. Try to make chest ache dull. 

But it doesn’t.  

They linger. I sit and sort and process and try to understand, but it doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t make any sense. 

Why doesn’t this make sense? 

How can he be gone?

How could he take a piece of me with him? 

How could I feel no emotion and only emotion?
And have no thoughts and every thought? And no memories and all of them. 

How can he be gone? Just… gone?

My throat is raw. 
My wound is raw. 
My head is raw. 
My emotions are raw. 
The tightness, the weight, the vacant void, the missing piece of me. 

He has it. It died with him.
And I feel sorrow. It creeps up on me. 

The sorrow, inching in and covering the memories in a blanket. 
The melancholic realm that the memories will now haunt. Bittersweet. 

For He was taken too soon, too fast, too quick. 

The tears formed in my eyes, watching the memories replay in my mind, my aching mind, As it processes and moves them from one place to another.  

The lump in my throat clears as the sorrow fully takes over, letting my tears fall and remembering the bittersweet times we had.

The connection that formed. 
The piece that he held. 

The piece that withered with him and left me feeling loss. 

It’s hard to feel this way. It hurts. 

I am happy, because we had a connection. Angry, because I don’t understand, and sad, because I can’t change it. 

The tears slow and my chest pain has lightened. I’ve processed my memories from one place to another. 

I’ve dealt with my pain, I’ve cried, I have let my grief out, I’ve let it have its moment. I am now just sad.  

Sad that I can’t change the tragedy. Sad that nothing can undo this or change it. I am saddened, but relieved. Nothing can hurt you now.

And that piece you took, it was always your piece. I was never getting it back. But now, it has moved on.

I accept that you took it with you. You took a piece of me with you. And I felt the loss, but you, you kept a piece of me this whole time. And I feel grateful.

I will miss you bud, 

I miss you.

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