A Void Dance

I stared blankly at the scene before me. 
There was something going on, it was loud but muted. I was far away, lost in the void inside my own mind. 

I was heavy, and rooted in place. The scene around me was too gruesome to look at, too painful to process, so I stayed in my safe space in my head. 

If I don’t acknowledge what I’m seeing, it can’t hurt me. If I don’t process it, I can’t react. If I don’t react, they won’t notice I’m here. 

Because I’m not here. I’m not anywhere. I’m not even sure I’m alive. My limbs are there, but I can’t move them. If I try to move them, I have to think. If I think, I will have to see. 

I’m safe here. Right here. Quiet. Unmoving. Staring blankly into nothing. 

There was some more noise. Some commotion. I think someone is yelling. A scream? I’m too far away to hear it. My legs seemed to be warming up slowly, but I dared not look. 

If I look, I would see. If I see, I too would scream. I can’t scream. If I don’t see them, they can’t see me. I’m not here. 

I’m not here. 

I’m not here. 

Shhh. You’re here with me now

Who is that?  I’m not looking. I’m not seeing. Right here is safe. Noone can hurt me if I can’t see it. 

Hey, you. It’s okay. You’re safe now. 

I don’t believe you. I can’t look. I can’t feel. I can’t hear you. If I hear you, I will see. I can’t see.

Can’t see.

Can’t see. 

Hey listen,  I want to help you. 

No. I won’t listen. It’s not safe out there. Right here. I’ll stay right here. Where noone can see me. You can’t see me if I don’t move. I can’t be moved. 

I’m safe right here. Nothing can make me leave now… 

I’m only safe here, where I can’t see. 

I stare blankly ahead, into the void. There’s some movement. Some voices. But I ignore it all. If I can’t see them, I won’t have to relive it all again.

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